All the time, every day there is something. Something to make me cry, to make me feel pain, to make me smile to make me laugh. In other words, every day shows me lessons in love and grief, anger and optimism, betrayal and connection. I’m in a traffic circle in my mind and google is telling me to take the first exit off the traffic circle, then the third, re-directing, then the second, re-directing, then the last…..
Once I’m off the wheel, the circle, the grid, I experience wholeness. A sense of relief. I can gain my breath again. Fully. Deeply. Meaningfully.
For four glorious days I was off the grid, with my family, in absolute respite. Surrounded and held in the warm loving embrace of Mother Nature, of the elements and of love. I hadn’t seen my kids that happy in a while. I hadn’t seen us all connect like that, all at the same time, in a while. I hadn’t been able to sit, rest, listen, in quite a while. I hadn’t seen my husband smile at me like that, in quite a while. Going off the grid helped me to RE-member what it is that matters most to me and also how I actually got there in the first place.
Sixteen years ago, my partner and I had a plan. We were (are) a team, a group plan, of living our lives as it met our artistic and intrinsic passions and goals, whilst raising kids that understood and “got” that concept of being true to oneself, of living one’s passion, of living an authentic life; a life that feeds your soul. Because we believe, when you do that, the bank is full, the love is even fuller, and life is good. We can do anything! Those lean years proved it. Those soul searching years proved it. And now cancer is proving it. Don’t get comfortable, obstacles. You won’t like it here. We’ve proven an inhospitable environment for your ilk.
I’ve had a life of adventure. Adventure meaning something different in each decade, of course. But it’s what I always wanted. And I still do. And I certainly have it, for better or for worse. Just when I thought that I had enough f%cking lemonade to last me a life time, up popped another stand, needing my restraint, smile, 2 cents and ultimately, gratitude. I have to say THANKS and give THANKS for all of life working out as it has.
Strife, Grace and Grit. That’s our experience on this earth plane in this life time. I can expound upon the past lives I’ve had, or the one I’ve seen in you, but right now, right here, this is the place we need to show up in every day. THIS is the place where our family needs us, our friends need us, WE need OURSELVES. Remember that? I do.
I’ve recently written in one of my notebooks, “Why does everything related to GRACE need to be airy-fairy, pretty and pure? Why does every search of “Angel” or “Spiritual” or “Grace” bring up the image of pale, fragile, half-starved females? WTF is that all about? TOTAL BS!” I’ll spare you the rest of the profanity and details, but that is a softer version of my raw unadulterated self. What I mean to convey , is that the feeling and images are not congruent with the REAL or the AUTHENTIC energy of life. To achieve grace, we must have grit, and be dirty, and sweaty and gross. I must have dirt under my finger nails, grease in my hair, and bags under my eyes before I ever reach GRACE. I must endure weeks of only remembering to shave one leg, forgetting to do laundry, or feed the dog (he’s 90 pound, he’s fine), even as he follows me around, looking at me with those eyes of, I love you, so what’s the problem!? I have to forget the simple, important things, then repeat them over and over again, only to remind myself that I had already said that, or done that, or filled that bowl….
This concept comes easily to me as I am in yet another growth spurt in my life. I thought perhaps I’d have a year or 2 of boredom and complacency to sit in before I’m reminded I’m about to step into the next decade of my life.
And I’m better off for it. I am often uncomfortable, itchy, grouchy, anxious, jittery while simultaneously elated, open, allowing serendipitous relationships to occur and flourish, my heart expands. My wisdom grows. And I am always, ALWAYS, very simply, brought to my knees in gratitude, tears, and prayer in awe of all of the guidance and love and support from my Ancestors, my Council, Spirit and the earth angels all around me.
I don’t believe in talking for the sake of talking or making conversation for the sake of conversation when it comes to meaningful authentic experiences. This life now, as we have it, if what we’ve got. I choose to infuse magic into it. I choose to live life in close connection with spirit and love and light. I choose to sit through and feel the awful, ugly, hard parts, in order to make me more whole and wise and full. It makes me a better partner, mother and friend to myself. How could I possibly counsel others without walking through the desert in a snowsuit myself? I’m trying every day.
I live for love. I live for the love of my husband and my kids. And I also live for me. Feeding my soul is just as important as taking care of my family and my clients/extended soul family.
It seems as of late, of all the things I write, my word count is lower. I find this interesting. Am I simply less verbose as I grow older, become more familiar with my own and other’s “dark nights”? Or maybe I just simply have less f*cks to give? All are possible I presume. I’d rather live authentically than live up to a word count. I’d rather my words or words that are channeled through me reach those who need it, who find it helpful, on whatever level. Isn’t that the greatest gift? To help another? Talk about soul food!
I’m RE-minded that uncertainty must be embraced in order to RE-member the roots of the Willow gifted to me by Mother Earth. I don’t know what’s next. What kind of tears will the next PET scan bring? How many more days of sickness will he have to endure? What love will grace our Friendsgiving this year? Who will be at my table this Solstice Season who will be at the next one? How will my children grow at their age, in this New World? What will they make of it?
Truth is, I just don’t know. But I do know that my husband and I are better together, and I know that our kids are pretty amazing, and our support network is comparable to none.
I TRUST in spirit and divine design. Those of you reading me for a while may be sick of hearing that, but it is a true beacon for my soul in the darkest of nights. The further I move with Spirit and The Ancestors by my side, held by my Earth Angles and loving hands of guidance and support, from all over the world, it is simply irrefutable proof of the power of the unseen, of the “non-ordinary” world at work, here, every day.