Have you ever felt like you’re just going against the grain with everyone you meet? And you think that it’s everyone else’s problem? Clearly, they totally suck and have no sense of humor. Obviously, they get offended too easily at the occasional, yet well timed, f-bomb. Without a doubt, there is something wrong with THEM, and besides, their kids have bad manners…
Well, yes, I suppose that could be the case, but what is really bugging me about those types of interactions? I sense some old insecurities rearing their ugly heads in these shifting times of my life right now. The uncertainty. The roller coaster of emotions. One minute feeling worthy. The next, well, not so much.
But truth be told, sometimes I do feel like living my own truth is something that comes from outer space that no one else sees, gets or understands.
I often feel like I have zero answers to 100 questions. I have to go forward anyway, don’t I? Samuel Beckett, one of the greatest literary figures of all time, comes to mind: “I Can’t Go On, I’ll Go On.”
I meet people all the time. I am, generally speaking, an extroverted person. But nowadays I know I’m a little prickly. And I’m allowed to be that way when I need to be- everyone does, that doesn’t make me special. Perhaps like you, I’m experiencing major shifts in life. It’s time to buckle up. I do trust in Divine Design. But I still wonder if every failed attempt to make a new friend, or client connection, mean that I need to be someone I’m not in order to accommodate their understanding of me as I occupy this space. Where is the line drawn between making an effort when you really don’t feel like you have it in you and wearing someone else’s skin, and pushing through because you want to be helpful and friendly? My challenge now is meeting life on life’s terms.
About 15 years ago, maybe a little more, I made a commitment with Spirit to live an integrated life. No more silos of work, personal, and family. No more labels. No more living up to someone else’s expectation of who or what I should or shouldn’t be. I was exhausted. I wanted to live as my true self, my spiritual woo-woo self without fear of judgement and/or being cast away.
Coming out of the woo closet was a big deal for me. As a former people pleaser and perfectionist (OK, I’m still working on that one), overachiever and “one with all the answers,” I feel a bit of sadness about how much I hurt myself with all of those labels and expectations I placed upon myself. I can sit here and tell you all about how other people did this, said that, but at the end of the day, my feelings are my responsibility.
My insecurities and traumas led me to a very long Dark Night of the Soul, which is to say that I was in a place in life where taking a deep dive into where the darkest parts of me lived could no longer be avoided. This is what taking responsibility for my feelings looked like for me. Time to clean house.
As a person meant to be here to serve and help others in a way that isn’t mainstream (yet), it’s a necessary prerequisite that one has at least one Dark Night of the Soul experience. This is what I’ve been taught and have also experienced. It does ultimately make me a better healer.
I am currently walking through another Dark Night. A clean house needs to be maintained, right? The shifts occurring in me feel seismic. Globally and personally. The anxiety and fear I experience about the uncertainly of what may or may not come, feels impenetrable and crippling at times. Those are my feeling and I’m responsible for them. So where do I go from here?
When I get overwhelmed with fear and anxiety I feel like there is an elephant sitting on my chest and a heavy hot rain pouring over my head. Breathe, I tell myself. Just breathe. I invariably go for a pen or anything I can write with and go quiet. Then whatever garbage comes out does, and I occasionally find some epiphanies in there, too.
So, to live my truth and an integrated life, as I committed with Spirit all those years ago, I need to wade through the muck and LOOK to see what is in there. It’s as much an analytical process as it is an emotional one. It’s me meeting life on life’s terms.
I am not perfect. I am not a one size fits all. I am not going to be “friends” with everyone I meet as I once was. I am not the person who has terrible boundary setting issues. In fact, I am quite good at setting boundaries now. But I still hurt and feel scared like a child when I just can’t see through the windshield of life because the storm is so bad. Even with the wipers on at high speed, I can’t see anything. Just what is.
What do you do in a bad storm? Hopefully, you pull over. Spirit has been at my door telling me to pull over and I’ve been resisting. Put on the hazards, turn on the radio, look at all the pretty glowy lights on the console, be grateful I have a safe vehicle. Look at with awe Mother Nature’s power raining over the windshield and take a moment to honor Her power with a slight nod of respect. So right now, I tell myself that it’s raining hard now, and I can’t tell if it’s going to clear up soon or not. I just have to trust that it will. Because it will clear up, won’t it? Will there be a rainbow? Or a completely new landscape? I just don’t know.
Gratitude also helps me navigate such depths. I’m actively seeing the blessings around me as I dig deep at this point in my life. I also feel hurt, and wail, and scream and I understand that how it looks on the outside doesn’t matter. Living my truth and staying in the presence of love far exceeds any other way of being.
I want to be the river rock. I want to allow the water to move intuitively and freely around me, imparting to me nuggets of wisdom that she’s collected on her travels. I change over time from edgy and sharp to round and smooth. She reminds me to go with the flow and she is grateful for my presence.
I will think about this a lot. And I will unapologetically be who I am and continue to receive and give love and wisdom with those who sit with me, and I with them, in complete truth and comfort. I am grateful for their presence. My people won’t mind when I’m edgy, or cranky, or quiet. They won’t bother me when I’m not partaking and they will laugh at my dark jokes. They just let me be me. These are the people you want to be pulled over with in a bad storm, and I’m lucky enough to have a full carload.
“…knowing your true power, your true worth, and knowing that you matter, are the backbone of truly living a meaningful, and inspired life.”
~ Anita Moorjani