The Gooey Space

Autumn shows us how beautiful it can be to let go

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about metamorphosis. About what it feels like to be in it mid-process. The squishy, confined, unattractive, uncomfortable space the caterpillar struggles to move around in.

An intersecting thought I have with this is the necessity of embracing the darkness, the shadow. The caterpillar has to accept what is happening or else it dies. This time of year, I feel these are natural thoughts for me to have, as a person connected to vibrational hums and rhythms of the earth. I can’t help but feel like change is on the horizon, again, as I’ve been forced to stand in the goopy, slimy, uncomfortable space. “Adapt or Perish.” It’s necessary that I allow it to happen, allow the discomfort to pour over me, envelope me, integrate in me until it becomes a part of me. Then, voila! A newer Self emerges. But what does the new Self look like? Is it a happier Self? Is it a healthier Self? Is it a more abundant Self?! If we stick with the butterfly analogy, sure, it’s going to be great, beautiful, colorful. But how long will it last before the next phase? Or the next metamorphosis of the soul? What aspects of Self are changing? Will I come out exquisite, only to be a tasty snack for a passing woodpecker a minute later?

Uncertainty is the new black. There’s not much I can do about the uncertainty in the world, in my life, besides keep my own house clean; emotionally, spiritually, metaphorically, and physically (if I must). Previously, a point of pride for me was the ability to moor myself in a storm, in ANY storm. I’ve proved it to myself time and time again… be resilient, unaffected, objective, stronger, smarter…. Then life became more than just about me. Ah! And therein lies the most complicated and delicate facet of all. I decided to open up and let love in. I allowed my heart to expand. And that’s when everything becomes more personal, doesn’t it?

I needed to integrate the understanding that a new part of my Self was being born then. Hardest to reconcile though is that everything is different when the suffering belongs to the ones you open your heart to, and not just you. That’s a whole different kind of storm, and requires a different Self to emerge in order to honor the upgrade in resilience training.

I find myself standing in a mist, hesitant and a little skittish, despite my knowing that I must be patient. I am experiencing what feels like some kind of initiation. I’m taking just a step, not a leap, but it feels like a significant step. I’m being guided to hold my breath less, and to breathe into the discomfort more. My guides show me a movie of my life and remind me of all the times that I have let go and just understood there would be a net for me to fall into. Trust there is a net. RE-member there is a net. Trust in the nature of surrender. Allow for the energy of surrender to keep me safe as I FREEFALL into the darkness, the abyss, the unknown, towards the small round hole of light at the bottom. The small round “whole” that gets bigger and bigger and bigger the more I freefall into the loving arms of the Universe. This process, as fantasy-like as I just made it sound, cannot be rushed. And it is co-creative, meaning this stuff doesn’t just happen without my participation.

If you’ve been following me for a long time, you’ll know I love to say that anything I’ve ever tried to let go of has claw marks on it, and probably a few blood blisters. But it’s different now, and I should probably stop saying that. That was then. This is now. The path to resilience is paved with Vulnerability. I need to RE-learn and RE-member (FEEL) the sound and sting of the wind biting my cheeks and the unrecognizable sound of my own sobs; the painful realization that sometimes I can only bear witness to the pain and suffering of those I love the most. I’ve experienced the FEAR of loss to be so great that my mind becomes paralyzed with dark spaces and it doesn’t feel like I will ever get out. But it’s not true, is it? I need to have patience for the process. All of the gooey uncomfortable space needs to be experienced, it is a necessary part of the path at this point in time and I will embrace it, I must, even if it gives me so much agita.

Shamans, witches and tribal medicine healers of long ago helped their communities work through these spaces. They understood the healing power and strength that comes from vulnerability. As I see my own Healers that help me traverse these roads I’m on, and help me through this metamorphosis, I can only hope that I am becoming a more expansive healer so I can better serve those for whom I am meant to help.

Thanks for listening.

Love, Julie.