I’ve been seeing portals for most of my life. I’ve seen them in meditations, healings, with clients, in my dreams, or sometimes I see them sitting on the porch with a friend drinking coffee. When I see them, it’s important. It tells me to be extra aware of myself and my surroundings (or for a client) and how I interact with this world. A portal is Spirit’s way of telling me that I am on the hard path, the “right” path for my growth and evolution and it’s time to summon up the courage to walk through. I am being presented with an opportunity to change the trajectory of my life; some of it in my control, some of it not. Sometimes portals look like doors, or glowing spots in trees, or it looks like a different configuration of air. It makes sense that it’s coming to me now for a lot of reasons, and on some level I think I knew it was coming.
When life gets upended we can do a couple of things. We can freak out, disintegrate and become the victim and only ask WHY ME? And OF COURSE THIS IS MY LIFE!; We can live in denial and become separated from our emotional and spiritual bodies, experiencing pure lack of joy or gratitude in our life; or, we can do those things AND ultimately realize that there isn’t a thing that happens to us that we can’t use as an opportunity to make our own lives have a deeper meaning, and create stronger connections with ourselves and others. Spirit’s calling card for me to do the latter is by nudging my gaze towards portals. And here we are.
February of this year brought with it a serious cancer diagnosis for my husband. That was a Tower card moment for me and for us (in Tarot, that’s the card that says let go because the rug is going to be pulled from underneath you whether you like it or not!). At that time, we were experiencing a host of other personal and professional issues. The diagnosis made some of those drop away for good, and brought to the forefront others. We are now coming to the end of our 3rd month of this new dynamic. In numerology, 3 marks the end of a first phase of something, the fist culmination of a larger project, endeavor, path. And as it’s the full moon as I write this, she brings with her the permission to release all that doesn’t serve us so we can move forward. So as I look at the time around me of this first culmination phase of the journey I’m now on, I take stock of what has been in the last 3 months and what is now: upheaval, shock, deep pain and despair, sadness, (did I say shock?), integration, some clarity, deep love, deep connection and appreciation, and now … a portal.
This current portal I see looks like heat coming off of a hot street. It’s about 10 feet tall and 10 feet wide. What’s different is that this time, I see myself walking through the portal. This is kind of a new thing for me. I’ve been on the precipice before and have seen only colors and light or hear different vibrations at these portals, but this time I see myself actually go through it. On the other side the physical world LOOKS the same, but it FEELS very different. I am still here at my home, but not here at my home. It all has changed greatly, completely. But what feels completely intact is the sense of unconditional love and safety. It’s still so totally scary though. Who am I bringing with me? What will be there? How am I manifesting? And of course, what does this look like for my husband and our family? I am very comfortable with expecting and receiving miracles.
The world I leave behind as I walk through the portal is old and heavy and no longer needs my skin. It’s like I’m a hermit crab that needs a new home, and I’m in the “oh-crap-I-better-get-a -new-shell-soon-or-something-is-going-to-eat-me” stage. The reality for me however, (and not for the poor crab) is I will NOT be eaten or DESTROYED as part of the food chain. However, if I deny myself this walk and this experience of movement through the portal, then I will die on a metaphorical level. I’ll remain in a feverish state of agitation and crankiness. Everything will be “fine” and opportunities for growth and change will be missed. I will live in reaction and not response. I will remain short of patience, I won’t attend to my energetic, emotional or spiritual wounds. I will be tired, all of the time. I will just exist. I am not here to live like that. None of are here to live like that. We are all here to find our magic. We all have it.
I’ve had a healing session recently that has left me feeling like my skin is on fire and my mouth and throat have been scraped out. I know, it sounds gnarly, but I am familiar with this and it’s a good thing. It’s a good sign. And I know that for me, it’s a reminder that this is the beginning of the next culmination. I’m being cleansed and I’m releasing a lot of gunk on this powerful Wind Moon in Scorpio, which is the sign of death and transformation. So I choose to walk through the portal whilst feeling so very vulnerable. I am doing it to be well. I am doing it so my family can be well. I am doing it because I know it is the way for me to be able to help as many people as I can be well.
My allies on this particular journey are birds of flight. They remind me to take the 50,000 foot view of life. See all the possibilities that lay before me. Birds are clairvoyant seers, they can see what is to come long before we on earth can. So as I walk on my path in this specific time experiencing these particular events of my life, I honor and call on bird medicine for assistance. I am confident that as I walk through that portal, that ring of fire, my wings will not burn. I’m merely molting.
I feel strongly that unless we all walk through our own portals, and let go of all that doesn’t serve us, it leads to paralysis; analysis paralysis, or a kind of paralysis where we forget that there is so much that happens & exists in this world that we do not see. It all doesn’t have to happen the first go through. You only need to start walking through the uncomfortable vulnerability until you feel loving and nurturing guidance envelop you.
How do you get there? Ask yourself: WHAT BRINGS ME JOY?! And remember, “No mud … no lotus” (Thich Nhat Hanh). So even in the midst of your muck and mire, what feeling puts a smile on your face? What brings you up to your higher self?
My love for adventure and art brings me joy. My love for my partner and our family and our life together brings me joy. I love how very different my love for adventure looks now, as I approach my 5th decade on this planet, than what it did during only my 2nd decade on this planet. I am so very grateful for this life. As one of my guides recently told me, “You are pure love in this world, but remember you come from fierce warriors in all the other worlds!” I can dig that.
As I write this to you, I feel the momentum getting stronger. I feel it for me, and I feel it for you. Don’t let go. Keep moving towards the portal. It’s time.
Long ago, I committed to living my life in only the most authentic way. I remain true to that conviction. So I will listen. I will write and I will sit with the uncomfortable feelings with grace and gratitude because I know it will always transform into the healing loving guidance I’m meant to be paying attention to.
Maybe walking through a portal is like cliff diving. I’ve never been, but this is how I imagine it goes: first, coming up with the courage to even start running up to the jumping off point. Then the jump. Flying through the air, completely at the mercy of something larger than you that you didn’t realize existed until that very moment…. then plunging into the deep and resting in the silence of the water for just a moment. Next, bursting up through the water’s surface, victorious, elated, exhilarated. Ready to do it all over again. A new adventure, embracing a new gift of courage which, doesn’t even consider the shadows where a shark might be hiding.
Thanks for listening.
“Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself.”
~Ellen Johnson Sirleaf