My mind is tired and confused. I am at a point where I feel like I am having a total identity crisis. I feel isolated and clam up. I start to reach towards the outer world, the world of “let me just get this thing, and then I will be OK” only to realize I was waving my own red flag. This flag looks like pride, envy and insecurity.
Physically, my body expresses the spiritual health of my soul. Different aches and pains, heartburn, and other minor maladies that let me know I’m in the red flag zone of my well-being. I am being urged to stop, slow down. Be the flow. Be the water in the stream flowing around the rock, and not the salmon fighting upstream. Don’t fight the current, rather move to the right or to the left.
In the midst of the chaos of my mind, I imagine scenarios that will never happen. Catastrophes that maybe were once a possibility when I lived large and recklessly. Although my soul has eternal youth, and drinks from that fountain daily, I am also much wiser now, thankfully. I’m closer to the Crone than the Maiden, that’s for sure. I no longer hear the echoes of the revelries of the past. They’ve been loved, and absorbed by the wisdom keeper inside of me.
And I am grateful for that. And I am happy to feel the wisdom of my ancestors around me, signaling to me that I am here, now, as I need to be, as I am meant to be.
Sometimes I see myself in the middle of the labyrinth in my brain, and when I fail to get to the end because I can’t see over the hedges, I feel the flash of the red flag. Again, my ancestors, my soul, my intuition, leads me and shows me the red flag is not a natural part of me. It’s a signpost telling me to stop and look around. It is a signal that I am reaching outwardly to satisfy the hole, the lack, the need within.
I don’t always listen though, do I? Of course not. So I keep trying to get around it, keep going down one way, then another, and another, each path giving way to more frustration. I must do this thing! I must win! I am expected to! I come from Celtic Warrior Blood forfuckssake! And there it is. Pride. Expectations. Self-inflation. I talk about extracting wisdom from the past and embodying it to create a better present and future for myself. But I still fall prey to the trappings of a mind that becomes tired and confused.
I reach a point, thankfully, where I get sick and tired of being sick and tired. I get tired of hearing myself say the same story over and over about why I am dissatisfied. Have you ever done that? It becomes so irritating, that I can’t even stand to look in the mirror. It hurts that much. It annoys me that much!
So I stop. I release, if only to get some quiet. Most recently I was able to reason with myself (lots of Air energy around!) that those hedges in the labyrinth are only there b/c I put them there. I’m reminded that the hedges don’t really exist. I have built them.
So why not simply remove them? So I did. I imagined myself in the middle as all the greenery gave way to sand, then the sea, then the breeze. I was going with the flow. I didn’t have anything to prove to anybody. And neither do you, by the way.
I am exactly where I need to be at this time. No matter the funny looks I get for my eternal optimism that seems crushing to some or makes me look like the fool to others. It doesn’t matter. I am meeting the needs of my very own soul that I’m being called to meet. Right Now. I want to go where my energy is nourished and flourishes, not where I am diminished or depleted.
Now I sit better with the discomfort, the uncertainty of life, the physical discomforts of my imaginative fallout. I can do this because I allow the darkness to come in, sit next to me, it looks around, then I watch it leave. The important thing is to let the murky, uncomfortable arrogant, yucky energy in. Answer the door. Then just as you let it in, let it out in due time. “OK, it’s time to leave now. I’m tired of hearing myself talk your same old story.” And then off the nonsense goes.
From this most recent labyrinth experience, I’ve come out with some serious bits of wisdom and reassurances: Number one, I am loved. I am so loved, it’s amazing and no words would suffice how deeply I feel supported. And I do feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Number two, there can never be enough gratitude for the awe and wonder of the workings of Spirit. Number three, when I let go of the world that I think I am seeing around me, the one that I’m not good enough to be in, I realize it was never really there in the first place. What exists is love, flowing abundance and high vibrational energy. That’s what is real.
When I go back to my roots, my authentic way of living, of being true to myself and what my intuition tells me, and keep the outside noise of the world of what I should or shouldn’t be at bay, I am home. Exactly where I need to be.