You and I have become fast aquatinted. I’ve witnessed you take up residence in my beloved without being invited. You are a squatter.
I’ve witnessed my beloved experience many a hardship in his life where I’ve been powerless to act. I could only observe from the sidelines and offer moral support, whilst keeping my own boundaries in check. I’ve seen shadows fall upon him, crippling his sense of self; robbing him of certain joy and love and abundance that we all deserve as human beings. I’ve seen fear and resentment projected onto him in the most personal and intimate way. I’ve seen this damage his heart center, his spirit, and his ego.
Did he ever give up? No. Did he ever give in? No. What you may not know about my beloved is the wildly strong will and determination this man has. His mind is a steel trap, guarded by bulls. And it’s only grown stronger since you’ve come around.
The capacity for change that we have as humans is vast. Yet, so many of us are afraid of change and react in ways that make life harder. I am guilty of this. But right now, in this moment, that’s not me. And that is certainly not my husband.
Every day is an opportunity to begin anew. Every day we can make the choice to wake up and say, “This is the day my life is going to change.” We can say, “Today, I am confident. Today is going to be a good day.” Every day is a chance to bring joy to ourselves and others. Even if it’s just a little bit at a time, day by day, hour by hour. Even if we don’t believe it, or don’t feel like believing it. It doesn’t have to be a smashing success right away. In fact, there’s more success in the daily, smaller triumphs.
I’ve also found strength in waking up and saying, “Today, I’m just going to feel like crap. So be it.” I let myself do that. My husband does that, too. We are strong together. But you can’t take credit for that.
It’s been seven months since you’ve been discovered. Apparently you were in there under the radar for maybe even a year before that. And I know the two of you have had your own conversations about staying and leaving. But I’m here on my own accord. And I’m telling you it’s time to go.
You did not inhabit me. Why? Is it because you know he has a greater capacity for change? Is he more resilient? Is this another test of his will and integrity? Of his humanity? He has all of that, with or without you.
Cancer, no one deserves you, yet you seem to be everywhere. Why?
I see you as the unloved, neglected child, all grown up, and ready for vengeance against all of those who did you wrong in your life. Don’t you know that only makes you worse? You are only hurting yourself.
Maybe you chose my husband because you know the depth of his character, his altruism. You know the sacrifices he’s made in his life, selflessly. Maybe you know the complexity of his mind and the depth of his love for his family and friends. This is all I can come up, cancer, because these are all of the reasons why I fell in love with him.
Cancer, I see you. I see what you’re doing. I know where you’re going. I know that you are here. I feel you in there when I put my hand on his chest. I hear you at night when my hand is on his back.
It’s time for you to wake up and realize that this is the day that your life is going to change. You can transmute yourself into gold, loving energy and be welcomed with open arms elsewhere. You can be useful somewhere in this world. We all have the capacity to change. All things are just energy.
This is how I see you now: I see you lifting and rising up and out of his lungs, out of his body, turning into gold light. I am ready to help you gain the traction you need to unhook, unhinge and RELEASE. I have it on good authority that you have ample opportunity to transmute into something good. In this world or the next. You have help. I’m in your corner alchemizing you every day. In fact, many of us are.
You need to understand that I am not afraid of you. Neither of us are. We come from a long line of warriors and strategists. We may succeed getting you out, we may not, but it won’t be from anything that we haven’t done. I know eviction laws for squatters are tough, but I am truly relentless. All we want is for you to find a more appropriate place to be.